Thursday, 7 March 2013
Advice for Working Moms...Mom on Strike Style.
I love getting blog related email. This past week I opened my inbox to see the following:
Congratulations Jessica!! You have made our "Top BEST-EVER MUST-READ Blogs for Working Moms" list. Please help us tell the world how wonderful and amazing you are.
Ok, maybe that wasn’t the exact title. It may have been more along these lines:
We recently posted an article titled "30 Must-Read Blogs for Moms Who Are Returning to Work. It would be great if you could blog about it and share it with your followers.
Meh, close enough.
Woot woot! Ask me if I was excited?
(Answer) Yes, very excited.
I actually made a top 30 list and my blog is a ‘must read’. Hello self-esteem booster. I danced around the room, yelled out to Dylan, poured a glass of wine and then readied myself to open the link to see my name in lights. I may have peed a little.
Well, it turns out I wasn't on the list after all. Trust me, I searched and searched and searched until I needed a refill. Then I cried in my wine.
Ummm, do you know how this works assholes?
Let me enlighten you. First ensure my name, my blog and my link is on your stupid list and THEN you can email me to congratulate me and then you can ask me to tell the world about it because I love public recognition and attention and want to help you brag about how wonderful I am.
I think they should send me money for all the therapy I now require from the disappointment and inflicted trauma. Or wine. I choose wine. Yup, I will post the link for wine. I’m cheap like that, no shame here.
Whatever, I found the irony very funny and their top thirty list is all about unattianable mom things anyway. Like ‘how to achieve a work life balance’, ‘how to not feel guilty about working’, ‘how to bond with your child while working’ and ‘how to carve out time for yourself as a working mom’.
Well, here’s my list and my list is way better than theirs. And mine is a top six list (I couldn't think of ten), which is by far more prestigious to appear on than a top thirty list, and my name is IN ALL six spots.
Take that and shove it up your Top 30 ass.
1. Work Life Balance. Good luck with that. Let me know how it turns out for you. May I pre-emptively suggest a good bottle of red to wash away your high hopes and good intentions?
2. Working Without Mommy Guilt. Whatever. Kiss the ground and thank God every Monday morning. It means they have to go to school and you GET to go to work. It’s my ‘me’ time. I get to use the bathroom alone at work. And work always has toilet paper.
3. Bonding with your Child as Working Mom. Oh for the love of God, can we please cut the apron strings a little? The umbilical cord simply cannot stretch any further. Stop calling me at work to tell me about your day. I love you. You love me. We can hug it out after school.
Enough already and please stop texting me to tattle on your sisters. Mommy’s busy
drinking coffee with grown ups working.
4. Carving out Me Time as a Working Mom. Please refer to number 2. Say it with me. Bathroom ALONE! Lunch with grown ups. Hot coffee. Responding to an email in one sitting. A phone call without WWIII in the background. I am unsure of what the problem is here? Last time I checked, I didn’t have to change any of my co-workers shitty diapers while attempting to juggle a phone call like a circus clown, pay bills, teach the alphabet, create a super hero mommy craft to keep them busy for like ten freaking seconds only to have a giant glittery mess to clean up and bake cookies for an entire school so other moms don't judge me all while wondering when the last time I had a shower was.
Nope, I had a shower this morning. Alone. Voila...me time carved out. See what lowering your standards can achieve?
5. Managing Work and Housework. Two Words. Mommy Strike. ‘Nuff said.
6. How to Boost your Confidence Returning to Work. Have a shower. Put on a shirt without puke or pee on it. Brush your hair and brush your teeth. Feels good doesn't it? Put down the diaper bag and pick up a sleek black purse. Walk out the front door with a smile and do not look back. Work it girl! You look super HOT without baby shit on your shirt! You get to talk to grown ups and I assure you that it will all come back to you in a second. Like riding a bike. The world is yours for the taking!
Here’s my truth. Being a stay-at-home mom was much harder for me than being a work-outside-the-home-mom. I like working and I do not feel guilty about it. So while I bitch about my juggle of work, kids, sports and laundry… I wouldn’t have it any other way. I am a better mom when I work outside the home. Don't get me wrong, I love the small people I built more than words can express. I just do better when I have perspective.
I salute each and every one of you that stays at home with your kid’s full time. It’s freaking HARD WORK man! If I ever hear you say “I’m just a mom”, I will jump out of your computer screen and bitch slap you across the face. Going out of the home to work is the easy part. Staying at home to work is the hard part.
If you work outside the home, find what works for you. Don’t let the Judgy McJudgerson's bring you down, don’t beat yourself up or stress yourself out. Just be the best mom you can be.
Trust me, they will turn out just fine!!
Besides, throwing a little dysfunction into the parenting mix just helps turn them into interesting grown ups.